Beast Wars Best/Worst Beast Warst

Beast Wars is an outstanding show, and I'd like to pay tribute to its greatest successes and most bitter failures in the areas of characters and designs.

It should be understood that all the designs in Beast Wars were a combination of what Mainframe could do with CGI modeling and what Hasbro was modelling the toys to look like. I can and have certainly speculated on what aspects of what characters' designs were attributed to whom but my purpose here is simply to catalogue them, and wax poetic about how cool some of these freaking characters were.

Also, I wanted the lists to be even but there's just too many awesome robots in this stupid show so you have 8 of the best (I.E. most of the cast) and then a list of 6 stupid designs of which most are actually different versions of the same dudes.

Be(a)st Characters/Designs

1.) Optimus Primal V1

Goddamn look how slick this guy is. Streamlined but powerful, Optimus' season 1 form was a fighter and a leader, and it showed. I like that he's not the giant monster Optimus Prime was, and his character follows suit. Optimus Primal is probably the greatest hero in Transformers history; Prime may have fought a much longer war, but Primal had way less at his disposal and managed to save the whole dang planet Cybertron later on in Beast Machines.

2.) Transmetal Rattrap

Man what a cool lookin' beast mode. For whatever reason Rattrap's little roadster mode is a personal favorite, perhaps the only mobility mode of anyone's transmetal form I actually like and for that matter one of the only transmetals I think didn't look totally stupid. Rattrap's journey from smartmouthed d-bag to smartmouthed hero was one I thought was underplayed and underappreciated (and I totally buy his character in the first season of Beast Machines, I don't care what anyone says).

3.) Transmetal Tarantulas

Tarantulas looked like a gigantic dork in season 1, so you can imagine my surprise when his transmetal form looked AWESOME. I mean LOOK at that thing. It's so badass, and fit his character way more. His revealing as a secret Predacon agent (spoilers) gives all his little experiments and machinations a much darker and cooler flavor. I'm bummed he didn't survive longer, he could have been a worse villain than Megatron in the long run (although in post-BM comics continuity the Vok do bring him back, which I support fully).

4.) Airrazor

Let's face it, Transformers is a sausage fest and as a kid I always wondered where the fembots was at. Airrazor is probably my favorite character while the show was on, and the toy I treasured the most. She's a badass chick who totally fell in love with my other favorite character, and their abduction by the Vok was when I started to look at Beast Wars in a more serious light. Unfortunately, she got the butt end of the deal in becoming Tigerhawk, what with contributing next to nothing to him and having exclusively Tigatron's soothing jamaican vocals.

5.) Megatron V1

Watching the first episode of Beast Wars now, the dated (although for the time legendary!) CGI shows in many places, but hot damn does Megatron's beast head look terrifying. It is a testament to Mainframe that the thing looked so damn good. His robot form isn't as amazing by comparison, but compared to the TERRIBLE forms he had later on in BW it's a damn beauty. Megatron's character is also outstanding, a villain of Shakespearean mold who treasures long monologues (to his own T-rex headhand) and subtle plots to the original Megatron's all-out assaults and goofy schemes. Like Optimus Primal, his actions and victories far outclass those of his predecessor, and while the whole "I HATE MY BEAST MODE" thing was kind of overplayed his desire to wipe all individuality from Cybertron was awesome in scope and ideology.

6.) Silverbolt

Good god I loved Silverbolt when he was introduced. Not only is he a wolf and an eagle, but he's a badass knight who is corny as all hell and believes unwaveringly in his sense of justice and goodness. His goofy bleeding heart antics reminded me, and continue to remind me, of myself. Hell yeah.

7.) Transmetal Blackarachnia

Blackarachnia started as a (MUCH better looking) edit of the Tarantulas model, but late in the series she got this badass Transmetal 2 form. Also, she was the first Transformer with clearly defined (and ENTIRELY UNECESSARY) breasts. She was a stone cold bitch in the most awesome way, more devious than perhaps any of the Predacons, so damn devious that she betrayed her entire worldview when a Maximal with giant missles came along (if you get my drift). Her unlikely love affair with Silverbolt was one of the high points of the series, a much more complex relationship than any we'd seen in Transformers or frankly most kids shows, with the relationship testing both parties' emotions and worldviews. Even in Beast Machines when she calmed down a bit she never quite lost her edge, and I think this form shows it best.

8.) Inferno

Inferno is, for my money, the most absolutely badass character in Beast Wars and by far the most hilarious character in all of Transformers. His robot mode just bleeds awesome, and his thorax booster thing is, I'm fairly certain, powered with coolness. He managed to be one of the most resilient and dangerous Predacons, frankly a goddamn beast (ha-HA) in combat. He had the amazingly brilliant character quirk of believing Megatron to be his queen, and referring to him as such. Inferno's demeanor went from goofy to Joker-esque insanity with almost no provocation, and thinking about having to go against him on the battlefield honestly scares the living crap out of me.

Worst Designs (I can't make Worst look like Worst and Wars at the same time pretend I did)

1.) Transmetal Megatron

Awwww, c'mon. This could be worse but he loses all the charm of his original terrifying form. His Transmetal head is really emotive and noble in beast mode but the rest of it is dorky, from the odd choice of bronze for most of his body to the really weird alien head thingy on his robot mode chest. Also, although the hover panels are alright he looks RIDICULOUS when he activates his little foot skates. A rollerskating t-rex is NOT imposing.

2.) Transmetal 2 Cheetor

Man, Cheetor's supposed to look all Wolveriney or something in this form but he just came off as scruffy and ugly. I really like how his Transmetal look was a little more mature to fit in with his character's growth, but this was just awkward.

3.) Transmetal Optimus Primal

What? WHAT? Optimus Primal looked so cool, what did you do to him you bastards?! First of all, his face is uuuugly. SO ugly. Next, well, his arms legs and chest are all ugly too. He's overall a very visually unappealing figure, not to mention that he apparently has a flesh chest while his robot mode is a shiny blue ape (which isn't THAT bad, I guess) who has a hoverboard in his legs. Also, uh. That gun. That. Gun. Are you KIDDING me? In what universe is a gun like that supposed to say anything to the enemy other than that you forgot the big battle was today so you got out your hairdryer? Now I'm not a Transformers gun scientists (I'm getting my degree next year) but I'm not sure how like six inches of metal is supposed to generate a blast stronger than his badass arm cannon from his first form did. It's actually embarrassing to watch him use that thing. You know what while we're at it:

4.) Optimal Optimus Primal

Okay let's be clear on something. I think Optimal Optimus looks so damn cool. He's awesome. But in Beast Wars, a show in which ostensibly animals change into robot guy, the fact that this image was supposed to be a beast mode makes my head hurt. Basically it's his robot mode with the cool parts gone and slumped over, with an inexplicable gorilla head but still like 1400 guns on top. Optimal Optimus was a cool combo between Primal and Prime but that they still tried to sell me on the fact that this guy would go from being a giant robot dude to a giant robot dude with bad posture and a monkey head that serves NO PURPOSE makes me groan so hard my kidneys fail a little bit.

5.) Quickstrike

Okay, so he's a scorpion with a cobra for a tail. That's an AMAZING idea, and his beast mode looks fantastic. So, uh. What happened? Not only do the GIANT WEAPONS on his hands turn to feet, but his feet turn to his hand. A hand made out of flimsy insect legs. It makes so much sense!! In general, his robot mode is just kinda bland and lame. It really just kinda looks like he's doing a handstand in his beast mode. The snake arm is still pretty good, but this dude is just too flimsy to be menacing.

6.) Transmetal 2 Megatron

How do you mess up a got dang dragon? I'll tell you how. You give him the dumbest head of all time, with a six-foot long hood made up of the dragon's tail, for a robot who has routinely put the tails of his giant lizards on his hands to use as weapons. His head is so damn bulky with the thing, and the fact that it's on the end of the tail means that his head is literally his beast mode's ass (watch a video of the toy transforming it's true). What really annoyed me about this though is that it makes NO SENSE. Optimus Primal absorbs some of Optimus Prime's spark and becomes a giant killing machine and partial useless robomonkey. Megatron aborbs original Megatron's spark and turns from a rollerskating dinosaur into a Dragon. A DRAGON. That follows NO logical course, and in fact runs against how things have worked in this series so far.

I will say that his robot mode is independently cool, and that the scene where he emerges from the lava and busts up Tarantulas is amazing.

Lost Finale Thoughts

One of the things I keep hearing about the Lost finale is that the Sideways was rendered meaningless by the revelation of what it actually was.

I think that's actually the OPPOSITE of what was true. The Sideways, which was actually an Epilogue, showed everyone the type of life they could have led. It wasn't arbitrary, though!

Christian says at the end that they collectively created this space. If that's true, then everyone CHOSE (if subconsciously) to make the changes in their lives. But in fact, everyone gave up something to gain what they did.

Jack's biggest fear was becoming his father, and he did. But he got a chance to fix it, to BECOME the dad his never could because he was too busy dying.

Sawyer got to be a good guy, to leave behind the conman, but in return his parents still had to die to set him on that path.

Kate got to save her stepfather, to make her mom happy, but in return she had to stay a fugitive instead of going to the island and later getting freed.

Sayid got to keep Nadia alive and (relatively) happy, but in return he could never have her.

Jin and Sun got to have a much more stable relationship without Jin turning into the cold asshole that he became, but in return they had to hide their love and risk everything to get away.

Ben got to not be a psychotic mastermind and actually be a cool guy, but in return he never got to have the daughter he loved (and even worse, had to watch her from afar).

Locke got to have a father and a wife, but he was still in a wheelchair and more importantly never got to discover the island and thus the faith that gave him purpose.

Hurley got to use his wealth without extraordinarily bad luck, and uh...well he was kind of awesome but no one loved him I guess.

Charlie got to keep being a damn rock star, but he still had that nasty heroin habit.

And so on.

Okay, so if we assume that the Losties somehow enacted these changes based on what they wanted for themselves or for others then the Sideways was them basically trying to fix everything they thought was wrong with their lives, even if it dropped them in worse situations first.

It's not irrelevant, though. In fact, it's in line with, more than anything, the first season. In the first season we got everyone's backstory, and it was always related to something that was going on on-island. They all had mistakes, regrets, things they wanted to fix, and on the island they often got a chance to do it. But regrets don't just go away, they stick with you.

So everyone carries these regrets into death, especially the 90% of the cast that died prematurely. In their shared afterlife, they all try to fix these things in some ways, either before or after the flight. But the truth is they have to abandon the things they want to change and remember the things that made their lives matter more than the changes they made: the connections with other people, specifically the other castaways.

As Rose says in the first Sideways, "You can let go now." She says it to Jack, who is the last to let go of his life because he doesn't want to believe that what he has isn't real. But subconsciously, I think he knows that he's dead and he doesn't want to stop trying to fix his life.

Ben chooses not to go with everyone, possibly because he has the largest gap between the life he led and the ideal one he gave himself. He doesn't think he deserves it, and maybe he doesn't. This show was about the choices we make and the chance to start over, but the truth is you can only start over so many times.

The island gave everyone a second chance, but you can't keep trying forever. Eventually you have to let go, to boil life down to the things that made you happy and move on.

And really, Rose is telling us to let go too. We all have things we would have changed about Lost, a way we wish it would have gone or something it would have done. But it has to end, and we can't control the ending but rather have to accept it and remember the moments that made us love Lost in the first place, because those moments will stick with us infinitely longer than how it ended or the missteps it may have taken. In the long run, no matter how much people say the show needed to be about mysteries and answers, they will always remember Sawyer and Juliet reuniting in death more than that dumb ol' bird that might have said Hurley's name.

Things From Before Now

I've been going through my bi-annual Transformers phase, and thought of this. It's a post I wrote for my last blog, the third and last post, and I was essentially berating the Transformers fanbase for pre-judging the first Transformers movie long before it was to come out.

I think it's wonderfully well-worded, and exhibits the kind of fire and passion I don't tend to ever have about things that matter. I am not sure that it is in any way useful for the like none of you who still read this but here it is anyway.

ALSO I forgot one of my main points which was that as great as G1 Transformers was it was a ploy to make you buy toys and that it sometimes made NO sense (my crown jewel example: The episode where Megatron steals Optimus Prime's arm, and MOUNTS IT ON A TOWER so it can shoot at people. WHAT?). It did occasionally rise to science fiction greatness but it wasn't always as perfect as people want to believe it was.

Anyway here's this thing read it:

Okay nerds, the gloves are coming OFF.

Boy, have I been waiting for this.

I have loved Transformers forever. It completes a holy trinity with X-Men and Sandman of my favorite worlds of fiction, ever. I used to wake up every weekday at 7 to watch it, and often missed my bus catching the second episode.

I love Transformers. This fact will need to be remembered, for later.

When I heard the movie was being made, my first two thoughts were:
1.) Awesome!
2.) Oh shit, the internet is going to EXPLODE.

And it did. For months, I've watched elitist, self-absorbed fans berate a movie they know next to nothing about, nitpicking and complaining and generally making idiots out of themselves.

I'm tired of it. So I'd like to talk a little bit about your concerns.

1.) Its not going to be like G1 (Generation 1, the original cartoon)!!!!!!

This ticks me off more than anything. Listen up, kids, and listen good. If you want G1, if you want flatnose Optimus and Soundwave and a cast of too many, GO AND WATCH THE DAMN CARTOON. Alright? Can we get past this? No? Okay.

What fans often fail to understand about this sort of thing is that there is NO artistic integrity in making a carbon-copy movie based on something. One of the biggest complaints about movies these days is that everything that was good is being remade, and that it can't capture the magic of the original.

It thus stands to reason that recreating the G1 cartoon in real life would also lack this magic. More than that, it'd be boring to make. Its not new or creative, its just a remake. And, as we'll see later, most of what worked in the Cartoon would NOT work in a live action movie.

Second, and this is the part I fear the most, for I know geek hearts are weak and cannot take real life,

YOU ARE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE.

I know, I know. How could you not be? You're the fans. If you're not appeased, then the world isn't right. But you are not the reason they're making this movie. They need normal people, the people who aren't already watching the cartoon, or people who forgot about it, to go spend money watching it.

You may still be resistant. Let me point out some statistics. Spiderman and X-Men have been two of the most successful movie franchises of all time. They broke box office records (with sequels, I should add). Why? Because the fans approved? No. They made the movies different and accessible, so anyone could go see it. They took the X-Men out of bright costumes because they knew that wouldn't bring in regular people. And it worked. People who wouldn't read an X-Men comic under any circumstances saw the movie, and became fans.

It is completely closed-minded to believe that the creators of this movie would adhere to the frankly ridiculous standards of the original material and still hope to make any money on this movie. Moreso, it'd be a completely soulless, ultimately inane project.

This is a reimagining of the Transformers. A what if. A new way to get people excited. This leads us into our next "problem".

2.) wtf, the Decepticons are lame, AND WHERE IS SOUNDWAVE?!

In case you didn't know, the official list of Decepticons is:
Megatron
Starscream
Barricade
Bonecrusher
Scorponok
Frenzy
Blackout

Two/three of these were in the original team. This pissed people off.

It shouldn't.

The original Decepticon team would not fly today. Let's take a look.
Megatron - Becomes, though a complete suspension of physics and sense, a handheld gun for the other robots to shoot.
Starscream, Thundercracker, Skywarp - Three of the same jet, colored differently. To be fair, they had different personalities and powers.
Soundwave - Became, again illogically, a tape deck.
Rumble/Frenzy - Two small human-sized (sometimes) robots that were tapes contained in Soundwave's chest.
Ravage - A jaguar, again a casette.
Laserbeak - Bird version of above.
Reflector - Three largely useless robots that combine to form a giant camera. Banned from the cartoon after a few episodes because his toy was no longer being produced.

C'mon. Half the team is recolored versions of each other, and a good number of them have completely illogical transformations (I don't care if you see mass shifting as a power the Transformers have, I don't buy it as being anything more than a plot/character device). Three of them come out of one's chest. They barely qualify as characters, although they were all equally aweomse and owned their fair share of Autobots.

People were complaining that Soundwave and Megatron were going to be made into planes.

So, if the Transformers are so advanced, why does one of them have to become a 1980's tape deck to record and spy? Since Laserbeak could already do this, WITH video. And Megatron. He becomes a gun. With, one would hope, more firepower than the gun he has mounted on his arm, which is actually BIGGER than his gun form since a robot can hold it. You can't honestly tell me you're expecting people to go see a movie like that.

I'm upset there's no Soundwave, too (Especially as a jet. Have you seen his latest Cybertron toy? That thing is so sick.) but they're going to use the characters they think will be most interesting to people who have no idea who Shockwave or Ravage are. Three of the same jets will not cut it.

Speaking of characters....

3.) They're not using enough characters!

The thing about movies like this is that going to 2, even 2 and a half hours, is a lot. Lord of the Rings and movies like it are one of the rare instances where this sort of thing is allowed, by the STUDIO, now.

Let's say they use the entire original Autobot cast. That's 19. 19. You can't have 19 main characters in a movie. Even 10 is pushing it. The writers are only putting in characters they have time to develop, not just fanservice eye-candy (not to mention, they'd need way more Decepticons, which makes the problem worse). Again, artistic integrity prevails over whiny fans.

Here's the thing. They can't do whatever they want. The reviewers of this movie aren't going to be rating it as a remake of the original, but as a movie, and telling people to see it or not to see it. Having too many characters plagued X3, and resulted in a lot of resentment because none of the characters got enough development.

Not to mention, money. It takes a lot of money to have fifteen giant robots running around all fighting each other. Again using X-Men as an example, things like the Beast and the Danger Room were in the scripts of the first and second movie, but they just didn't have enough. So what did they do?

They saved it until they made enough money with the first two.

That is the thing. This movie is a test. They have to market this to the masses, to make them want to see more. If this movie makes money, they'll make another one, and make it better and bigger, with more characters (MIRAGE, PLEASE) and stuff. This is a movie for everyone. Not just for you. Don't be selfish.

Or, if you think you're so great, make your own movie. Become a director. Writer. Whatever. See how it does.

This has gone long enough already, so one last thing:

4.) Optimus/Bumblebee/etc. aren't the vehicles they're supposed to be!

Who are you to tell them what vehicles they should and shouldn't be? Optimus is still a tractor trailer. So he has a long nose. He's had them for a long time. G2, for instance. Now, Bumblebee being a VW bug is really logical, given his name, but like with Optimus, doing it for real wouldn't work. They tried to do Optimus as a flat-front, but he wouldn't have been big enough. There wouldn't be enough vehicle to make a big robot. The cartoon didn't have this problem because anything could be any size it needed to be. These all have to be real, scaled vehicles.

Which makes sense for Bumblebee being a racecar. If he were a VW bug, he'd be tiny. He wasn't huge in the cartoon either, but they don't have room for tiny guys in this movie.

Again, having everyone be exactly what they used to be is boring. We've all seen it already. Let's see something new and creative, with some homages to G1 but not bound by it.

I don't know if this will change anything. I don't know if I can make the Transformers fandom see how they're killing their own beloved franchise. But I hope some of you will read this and give the movie a break. These guys are trying to bring something they loved into our time, to make people love it the way we did. There are robots who transform into vehicles, and fight. The central themes are going to be there. The coating may change, but if it doesn't, then there's no point.

And give Michael Bay a break. The man knows explosions. The fights are gonna rock. And its not like he controls it. The writers are responsible for a lot too.

So, come this time next year, you can be all pissy and pouty that you can't watch your G1 cartoon on a bigger screen, and hate the movie (a lot of you will hate it because its cool to hate comic book movies, and I have nothing to say to you). Or, you could approach it with an open mind, see a new wave of Transformers, a reimagining of a classic, and not be an asshole and annoy the rest of us. And who knows? Maybe if you remove the giant nostalgic G1 stick out of your rectum, you might actually enjoy it.

Don't worry. G1 wont mind. I'm sure it wants you to be happy.

Bad Girls Go Good

Penned by Phil

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go

Bad girls go good

I know your type, you're daddy's blackest sheep

Just calm it down (Calm down)

I'll be the one you can keep

'Cause I'm polite and I always call

I'm gonna make your mother proud

She was kind of a mess, now she's in a nice dress

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go good

You were hangin in the corner

Doin' all sorts of drugs

Now you're stayin' home to study

Trading drinking for hugs

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go

Bad girls good, good, good,

Bad girls good, good, good,

Bad girls go

I know your kind, got some good habits to lend

Yeah you're that guy that I would love as a friend

But now I'm callin' up my grandma just to see if she's fine

You make me wanna get a job

She was kind of a mess, now she's in a nice dress

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go good

I was hangin in the corner

Doin' all sorts of drugs

Now I'm stayin' home to study

Trading drinking for hugs

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go

Oh she got a way with the dudes in the place

She make 'em wanna spend the night

Oh he got a way with the chicks in the place

Make 'em wanna live their lives right

Oh she got a way with the dudes in the place

She make 'em wanna spend the night

Oh he got a way with the girls in the place

Make 'em wanna live their lives right

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go

I was hangin in the corner

Doin' all sorts of drugs

Now I'm stayin' home to study

Trading drinking for hugs

I make them bad girls go good

I make them bad girls go

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go good, good, good,

Bad girls go

Alright So the South Park Thing

I get that creative freedom is important, and that the worst thing you can do with a terrorist is let them control you, but you know what?

If I was running a major television station, and a group in my city put up a website with the picture of someone who got murdered in the goddamn street in broad daylight and the address of the place where all my employees worked and said we were going to get hurt if we showed a certain religious figure, you know what?

I wouldn't f*cking show it.

Listen, I know there's no way of knowing whether or not something would actually happen. And it sends a terrible message. But you know what? At the end of the day if I'm responsible for that building full of people I can't let two guys who want to do something they know may provoke that kind of reaction get what they want at the possible expense of a shitton of people who have nothing to do with it.

Let's say someone did get hurt. Got killed. Are you gonna go tell their mother, husband, daughter that they died for someone else's creative freedom? That you had the choice to avoid making a noted extremist group angry and you chose not to do it?

I'm an artist, and I don't want to be censored. But I also understand that some things are more important than making a goddamn point, and that sometimes you really shouldn't do what may be the right thing.

I dunno, I don't think it's a good thing that they had to censor it but I think all the people getting all righteously angry over it aren't really thinking it through.

What I'm Working On

PAGE SEVEN(Four panels)

PANEL ONE: Big panel, closer on Cherry, we can see her from the front now. She is astonishingly beautiful, with slightly wild hair that almost looks like fire when the light hits it (which is a bit of foreshadowing; it will eventually be revealed that she can actually create and control fire). She has big green eyes, and she looks impossibly sweet. Her body is average; she's not stick thin, nor does she sport a giant chest. She's the ultimate girl next door.

CAPTION: Cherry Ashford was, by general consensus of nearly every last person at the Farraday Academy, the most breathtakingly gorgeous girl to ever walk the halls.

CAPTION: Her features were sharp and soft in turn, long dark hair framing her face like liquid ruby, eyes of jungle flora and a body that was modest in its perfection.

PANEL TWO: Close on Marcus, his chin resting on folded arms, gazing at her over his book. We're looking straight on from his eye level.

CAPTION: However, even the careful and categorical appraisal of her individual features (such lists had been compiled with such frequency that it may as well have been a class) did little to illustrate what truly made her special.

PANEL THREE: Cherry from the side, reading her book.

CAPTION: It was her aura, the way she carried herself, that elevated her to a level beyond normal beauty. She was sweet but quiet, unassuming in a way that made her mysterious and unknowable.

PANEL FOUR: Cherry walking down one of the school's halls. Boys are leaning against lockers, gazing longingly, perhaps even on their knees in reverence.

CAPTION: It went without saying that she drove every boy in the school mad, though most had long since given up the idea that she would grace them with her presence for more than a passing second. She had never been known to date anyone at the school in her two years there.



PAGE EIGHT (Four panels)

PANEL ONE: Several girls seated around a table. They're all gossiping, looking interested but agitated. They're talking about Cherry.

CAPTION: The female population of the school had initially formed a torrent of jealous rage against her, but it gradually tapered off.

CAPTION: Soon she faded into obscurity, an object of beauty that existed always in the background, a flower that unobtrusively made the entire garden more vibrant.

PANEL TWO: Marcus walking through a busy hall. It's during classes, so everyone's in the school uniform. We're facing him at eye level, so we can see from his perspective how short he is. The other kids are somewhat blurred or featureless as well. We're seeing his world, one he's basically alone in.

CAPTION: Marcus Ellenbee was not much different from Cherry, if her meteoric rise to an almost mythological status was completely discounted.

CAPTION: Rather, from the moment he entered the academy, he had seemed to blend smoothly into the wallpaper, never drawing much attention and not wanting for it.

PANEL THREE: Marcus is in the library, reading a huge old book. Behind him, we can see some other guys that are pointing and laughing, mocking him just loud enough to hear.

CAPTION: The sons and daughters of the rich and brilliant were more inclined towards cerebral warfare than they were locker stuffing and book scattering.

PANEL FOUR: The same angle, Marcus is now there alone and we can see that it's nighttime. He's gotten through a good chunk of the book.

CAPTION: In the end, Marcus found it far easier to ignore, and so he lived out his days in relative peace with some acquaintances but no close friends.

CAPTION: There seemed to be an invisible wall separating him from his fellow students, something that disabled the two parties from ever connecting on a meaningful level.

Goddamnit I Can't Fall Asleep

Dear all women,

If you look at all your profile pictures on Facebook, and every one of them has you from the same sideways angle or you are making the same lip pucker face you're doing Facebook wrong.

Also it makes you look like a dork.

Speaking of girls who seem to be making every effort to look like tramps here's a great spoof of a song:

This is Why I Can't Have Nice Things

Yesterday at my internship, I wore a sweater with alternating purple and dark purple stripes over a white collared shirt (also a black and purple striped tie which is clearly too much purple but it's the only dang tie I have).

Apparently, I looked fantastic.

After work I had some time to kill before Lost, so I went to the mall to make use of some gift cards I'd gotten. I had a wonderful conversation with an attractive employee at H&M about how great a color purple is after she complimented the sweater.

As I walked down the mall after that, I noticed someone speaking to me out of the corner of my eye.

Here is a thing about me, and I may have mentioned it here before, but when I am in public I do not expect to be spoken to, and when I am it tends to catch me ridiculously off guard and I lose any and all grip over the English language that normally makes me incessantly charming and a joy to listen to.

So I look over, and there are two large men standing outside the Build-A-Bear Workshop. They are hanging out just outside of the entrance, so when one says to me,

"Hey, you work here?"

Which I take to mean "do you work here at the Build-A-Bear Workshop?" which is the kind of situation I never really though I'd find myself in.

He proceeds to clarify. "That's a nice sweater, I think I might wear somethin' like that to my interview next week."

Now, thrown off as I am by this situation, the only thing I can assume is that this dude is trying to mess with me. This makes me even less able to process what is going on, so completely unsure if he's being serious with me and having no idea what to say I come up with:

"Oh...yeah. Yeah, I wore this to work today. So, it was cool. Yeah."

At which point I begin to walk the other way. The guy says something else to me, but I have become an Awkwardness Singularity, sucking all social grace and basic human communication into a vortex from whence there is nothing but blackness.

I still have no idea what he said. My automatic response was to turn around, wave, mumble a bit so he would hopefully draw out whatever kind of answer he was looking for and continue walking.

The moral of the story is this: sometimes, I actually look too good.

Holy CRAP

I haven't posted forever.

This is my apology:

Pip, Interstellar DJ