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This conversation takes place between myself and a middle-aged woman at the bar where I work. She is a regular but not one I'm very familiar with. As this except begins she is informing me I am very cute.
Her: So, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Nope.
Her: Why not?
Me: That's a good question! (Stock response because I get this question all the damn time, it's nice because everyone interprets it however they want and I don't have to do any work)
Her: Aw, you just must be shy.
Me: Yeah I guess, haha.
Her: I could pull out your personality...
At this point she turns to a man I have never seen her come in without, I assume it's her husband but it may not be.
Her (quiet, but not much): And something else too!
Since she had not said this to me directly I chose not to respond. This is not an isolated incident.
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This next story didn't happen to me, so I cannot embellish terribly. My friend Jerry was at the bus station in Hartford, when a woman began to speak to him. She was a born-again Christian, and spoke with him for about 20 minutes.
At one point, she explained that a Cuban man had stolen her car. God had, in return, killed 60 Cubans.
There are all sorts of people in the world.
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Sub-story: in preparation for my final story I google image searched a phrase that, unbeknownst to me, is a porn star's name. Not that there's many google searches that don't bring up at least a little porn, but thinking you're going to receive a bunch of pictures of shoes and instead getting several closeup's of one woman's genitals is surprising at best.
I endure a lot for you, readers. This is how much I care.
In any case, I recently decided I wanted new shoes, because as much as I like skater shoes I look ridiculous when I wear them with shorts. You see, I am very picky with shoes, insofar as I hate 90% of them. I need something simple and functional, and this makes my selection limited at best.
Last summer I had a brown pair of pumas, and I enjoyed them immensely. I decided to go with the black ones this time. Let me throw up an image to illustrate:
See, to me, this seems like a really basic shoe. The kind of nondescript default model that a thousand people probably have, completely unextraordinary.
Well, I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
Since the minute I put these shoes on, I have become some sort of footwear messiah, whose impeccable taste was crafted in the very heart of Olympus, my feet the divine vessel made to transport these most holy of shoes down to the huddled masses, who have seen none of its kind and will never see so again.
Let me put it in a less Phil way. These shoes are fuckin POPPIN', Y'ALL.
Seriously. I cannot ever begin to explain how much people like these shoes. People who barely even know me stop me to tell me how fly they are. It's not that I don't appreciate compliments, nor that I deny how great I look in them, I just don't get it. I thought these were the most basic possible model, like wearing a plain black t-shirt, but ever since I got them people continue to point them out and dote on them like they were a goddamn rare Pokemon.
The moral of my story, I guess, is that if you want to be more popular go buy these shoes.
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So there you have it, my lovelies. Three harrowing tales of life, love and suede that will leave you questioning everything you believe in.
Actually, they're the only three even moderately interesting things I can think of posting. The endless cosmic joke that is my supposedly flexible work schedule has kept my life from being interesting enough to regail you with my usual tales of shenanigans.
Well, I could talk about Gantz, a manga I read 300 chapters of in 3 nights. But any of you that know what that is know that the people who don't know are probably better off not knowing.
Oh P.S. my right arm has started twitching lately, tune in next time to find out if it stops.
3 comments:
I hope that woman at the bar wasn't trying to get you in a threesome. The moment she turned to the other man I got a little concerned.
Bus stations in Hartford are horrifying, I have my own story from their. But if you're ever terribly hard up for material I suggest you go their yourself as a single visit provides loads of material.
And lastly, I swear everyone has these shoes. You're probably so popular bc theyre expensive AND your pair are new and have new shoe look.
In conclusion, my two best friends are on vacation this week so I hope you update more bc I'm going to have very little to do besides work and read A LOT.
Well shit it is a pretty smart shoe
i laughed so hard at that shoe bit i woke m'lady up.
:D
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