Now I've always known that my nice-guy antics and clean-cut image made me an automatic best friend for girls my own age, which is why I don't have young women scratching each others' eyes out to get ravished by me.
But older women who are looking for husbands? They freaking love me. I've always been fine with being girlfriendless because I know that as soon as I reach marriage age, I'm gonna be a hot goddamn ticket.
It is with this note that I want the women of the world to know, this is what you're in for on your wedding day.
If you're not cool with this, it's probably not going to work out between us.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
50th Post Extravaganza!!!
50 posts? Yes, readers, it's true. Mostly because I posted badly written chapters of things I wrote years ago in here. Throws up the count.
Even so, 50 is a bit of a milestone. The choice of what I post here will determine the course not only of the next 50 posts, but my life in the meantime. However, there is something I read several days ago that I still cannot get over. How about I share that with you?
NOTE: Seriously I found this days ago I had no intention of making this many sexually deviant posts in one day. Or ever I guess.
---
Okay, so I was on the Wikipedia page for incest (doesn't every classic story start this way?) and I came across a phrase that BLEW my mind.
"While incest between consenting adults has not been widely reported in the past, the internet has shown that this behavior does take place, possibly more often than many people realize."
Did you catch it? Let's take a closer look.
"While incest between consenting adults has not been widely reported in the past, the internet has shown that this behavior does take place, possibly more often than many people realize."
I'm not even sure what to say about this. The intenet is visited by billions of people a day, who share an unprecedented amount of information. It is responsible for education, art, keeping people connected, and generally being a pinnacle of human achievement.
But what it really boils down to, the cold hard sum of the impossibly large framework that makes up the world wide web, the one thing you can really get out of it is that incest between concenting adults takes place.
This quote makes me laugh and cry to amounts that I thought were physically unable to exist in the same space.
Thanks for all the reading, readers. Hopefully at least 1/4 of one of the 50 posts I've made here has been slightly amusing, and if not I hope I don't see you because I will sock you one.
That's not sexual.
I'm looking at you, Fabian.
Even so, 50 is a bit of a milestone. The choice of what I post here will determine the course not only of the next 50 posts, but my life in the meantime. However, there is something I read several days ago that I still cannot get over. How about I share that with you?
NOTE: Seriously I found this days ago I had no intention of making this many sexually deviant posts in one day. Or ever I guess.
---
Okay, so I was on the Wikipedia page for incest (doesn't every classic story start this way?) and I came across a phrase that BLEW my mind.
"While incest between consenting adults has not been widely reported in the past, the internet has shown that this behavior does take place, possibly more often than many people realize."
Did you catch it? Let's take a closer look.
"While incest between consenting adults has not been widely reported in the past, the internet has shown that this behavior does take place, possibly more often than many people realize."
I'm not even sure what to say about this. The intenet is visited by billions of people a day, who share an unprecedented amount of information. It is responsible for education, art, keeping people connected, and generally being a pinnacle of human achievement.
But what it really boils down to, the cold hard sum of the impossibly large framework that makes up the world wide web, the one thing you can really get out of it is that incest between concenting adults takes place.
This quote makes me laugh and cry to amounts that I thought were physically unable to exist in the same space.
Thanks for all the reading, readers. Hopefully at least 1/4 of one of the 50 posts I've made here has been slightly amusing, and if not I hope I don't see you because I will sock you one.
That's not sexual.
I'm looking at you, Fabian.
UNLOCK THE SLIME
Okay, so I was flipping channels and I came to the end of the Kid's Choice Awards on Nickelodeon.
They had all these really cool tribal dancers, fire dancers, some dudes fighting with staffs, and at the end Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson comes out. He takes off his tribal trappings and begins to discuss how he's looking for slime, and is going to attempt to summon it with an ancient ritual.
Now here is a veritable god of a man standing on stage talking about how much he needs some slime, and for the life of me I cannot help but feel like I'm watching some bizarre gay tribal porn. In any case, he summons the slime gods, the people who he says will "unlock the slime key,"
and out walk the Jonas Brothers.
Now if you've seen the JB-themed (double meaning!) South Park from a couple of weeks ago, you know what happened to the crowd.
Is there a non-sleazy way for me to say this? They're standing on stage, Dwayne is telling them they're going to unlock the slime, and girls entering pubescence are screaming and climbing over each other.
Someone had to know what they were writing.
Anyway the Jonas brothers sing a few notes and slime gushes from the ground, covering all the children and the stage as Dwayne yells gutterally.
Now it is entirely possible that my mind is a cesspool of indominable filth and Chris Hansen is waiting for me in the other room.
But I mean. I don't think that someone was deliberately making it sexual, but seriously, that shit was creepy.
Or I'm secretly a slimeophile. Either or.
They had all these really cool tribal dancers, fire dancers, some dudes fighting with staffs, and at the end Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson comes out. He takes off his tribal trappings and begins to discuss how he's looking for slime, and is going to attempt to summon it with an ancient ritual.
Now here is a veritable god of a man standing on stage talking about how much he needs some slime, and for the life of me I cannot help but feel like I'm watching some bizarre gay tribal porn. In any case, he summons the slime gods, the people who he says will "unlock the slime key,"
and out walk the Jonas Brothers.
Now if you've seen the JB-themed (double meaning!) South Park from a couple of weeks ago, you know what happened to the crowd.
Is there a non-sleazy way for me to say this? They're standing on stage, Dwayne is telling them they're going to unlock the slime, and girls entering pubescence are screaming and climbing over each other.
Someone had to know what they were writing.
Anyway the Jonas brothers sing a few notes and slime gushes from the ground, covering all the children and the stage as Dwayne yells gutterally.
Now it is entirely possible that my mind is a cesspool of indominable filth and Chris Hansen is waiting for me in the other room.
But I mean. I don't think that someone was deliberately making it sexual, but seriously, that shit was creepy.
Or I'm secretly a slimeophile. Either or.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I'm pretty sure this is what they give you when you go to heaven
I assumed I'd have a much lower number. A lot of these aren't........bad by any stretch of the imagination. Luckily since I don't have what I did marked you can imagine it for yourself, but mostly take the lamest thing from each group and that's what I did D:
I have. . . (count up the number of things you have done from the list and then at the end add them all up)
1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 6
1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL: 6
1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL: 7
1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything.
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 2
1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL: 0
1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
TOTAL: 3
1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL: 5
1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police's presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10. been verbally harassed.
TOTAL: 4
1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 4
Grand Total: 41
If you have less than 10, write "I'm a goody-goody"
If you have more than 10, write "I'm still a goody goody"
If you have more than 20, write "I'm average"
If you have more than 30, write "I'm a bad kid"
If you have more than 40, write "I'm a very bad influence"
If you have more than 50, write "I'm a horrible person"
If you have more than 60, write "I should be in jail"
If you have more than 70, write "I should be dead"
I have. . . (count up the number of things you have done from the list and then at the end add them all up)
1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 6
1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL: 6
1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL: 7
1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything.
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 2
1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL: 0
1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
TOTAL: 3
1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL: 5
1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police's presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10. been verbally harassed.
TOTAL: 4
1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 4
Grand Total: 41
If you have less than 10, write "I'm a goody-goody"
If you have more than 10, write "I'm still a goody goody"
If you have more than 20, write "I'm average"
If you have more than 30, write "I'm a bad kid"
If you have more than 40, write "I'm a very bad influence"
If you have more than 50, write "I'm a horrible person"
If you have more than 60, write "I should be in jail"
If you have more than 70, write "I should be dead"
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
More Like Girthday (Because I Ate a Lot)
22 years ago today...
...Ares molded a body from his strongest Spartan clay, majestic even among the gods...
...Apollo crafted a hitherto unforseen wit, a artistic depth of soul that made even him weep...
...Aphrodite wove, by hand, tender locks of hair, silky swirls that outshone the sun...
...So anyway today is my birthday, and also Greek Independance Day. To tell the lengthy tale of my epic celebration would be, frankly, entirely possible, and easily done with bullet points:
-Went to class! This was mandatory :(
-Got a delicious frappucino from Starbucks (a venti, not light, because goddamnit I'm being independantly a year older)
-Wrote my first-ever resume, to send to summer internships
-Caught up with an old friend (we are starting a webcomic...fingers crossed)
-Recieved many kind Facebook hello's and texts, as well as one call
-Fixed the second of two Star Ocean 4 discs to have been eaten by my Xbox, then played Star Ocean 4
-Wanted to order a calzone, but could not decide between two, but it was indebirthdence day so I ordered both
-Watched a new LOST, ate both (it's like: what a fattie), may have chipped a tooth, found the chip but not where it came from
-Watched a South Park and Demetri Martin, clearly I chose a great TV night to be born on
-Wrote a blog entry
I realize that I party far harder than any human being should, but I celebrate to the maxxxtreme.
Actually today was a really awesome day. Last week totally sucked, so I didn't have much in the way of hope but despite having a quiet nonchalant day it was really really nice. Thanks, universe. Surely you will continue your assault on me tomorrow.
...Ares molded a body from his strongest Spartan clay, majestic even among the gods...
...Apollo crafted a hitherto unforseen wit, a artistic depth of soul that made even him weep...
...Aphrodite wove, by hand, tender locks of hair, silky swirls that outshone the sun...
...So anyway today is my birthday, and also Greek Independance Day. To tell the lengthy tale of my epic celebration would be, frankly, entirely possible, and easily done with bullet points:
-Went to class! This was mandatory :(
-Got a delicious frappucino from Starbucks (a venti, not light, because goddamnit I'm being independantly a year older)
-Wrote my first-ever resume, to send to summer internships
-Caught up with an old friend (we are starting a webcomic...fingers crossed)
-Recieved many kind Facebook hello's and texts, as well as one call
-Fixed the second of two Star Ocean 4 discs to have been eaten by my Xbox, then played Star Ocean 4
-Wanted to order a calzone, but could not decide between two, but it was indebirthdence day so I ordered both
-Watched a new LOST, ate both (it's like: what a fattie), may have chipped a tooth, found the chip but not where it came from
-Watched a South Park and Demetri Martin, clearly I chose a great TV night to be born on
-Wrote a blog entry
I realize that I party far harder than any human being should, but I celebrate to the maxxxtreme.
Actually today was a really awesome day. Last week totally sucked, so I didn't have much in the way of hope but despite having a quiet nonchalant day it was really really nice. Thanks, universe. Surely you will continue your assault on me tomorrow.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Lunacon? More like LunaPRO.
This weekend I went to Lunacon! It's a sci-fi and fantasy convention geared towards literature. Saturday I went to seven panels, from 11 to 6. It was pretty awesome, I learned a whole lot and got to talk to some very knowledgable people, as well as having a very small but very heated discussion about the writer's strike with some...TV/movie writers.
Saturday night, my publishing teacher was kind enough to let us students come to his private party full of important people (thank you!). Now, if you've ever seen me in a room with more than 4 other people you know it is the environment in which I function the worst, but I actually managed to talk to several people, including two writers with whom I spent a great deal of the night (thank you both for your good advice and conversation, I hope I was interesting and wasn't boring you guys!). It's kind of daunting talking to professionals, but they've been in our position so they were awesome about it.
I also met a girl whose actual, parent-given name is Nuance. Fantastic.
I also talked, for the first time, with a lot of kids in my publishing class and made what I would call several friends. I was pretty much the only one there who didn't know anyone, so a few were nice enough to let me tag along with them and it was lots of fun, so thank you guys for talking to me and hanging out!
I would definitely go again.
In other news...well actually I have absoluetly nothing else going on. Which is kind of a lie because I've been playing Star Ocean 4 a lot, but I don't think the average person would qualify that. I should develop some sort of initiative in my life and start hanging out with people, or date a girl or something...
...Anyway BRB I should play some more Star Ocean, the En II Sanctuary isn't gonna save itself.
Well okay maybe it will I don't know how the story ends but probably I'm gonna have to do it.
Saturday night, my publishing teacher was kind enough to let us students come to his private party full of important people (thank you!). Now, if you've ever seen me in a room with more than 4 other people you know it is the environment in which I function the worst, but I actually managed to talk to several people, including two writers with whom I spent a great deal of the night (thank you both for your good advice and conversation, I hope I was interesting and wasn't boring you guys!). It's kind of daunting talking to professionals, but they've been in our position so they were awesome about it.
I also met a girl whose actual, parent-given name is Nuance. Fantastic.
I also talked, for the first time, with a lot of kids in my publishing class and made what I would call several friends. I was pretty much the only one there who didn't know anyone, so a few were nice enough to let me tag along with them and it was lots of fun, so thank you guys for talking to me and hanging out!
I would definitely go again.
In other news...well actually I have absoluetly nothing else going on. Which is kind of a lie because I've been playing Star Ocean 4 a lot, but I don't think the average person would qualify that. I should develop some sort of initiative in my life and start hanging out with people, or date a girl or something...
...Anyway BRB I should play some more Star Ocean, the En II Sanctuary isn't gonna save itself.
Well okay maybe it will I don't know how the story ends but probably I'm gonna have to do it.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
No Sleep And No Free Time Makes Phil Something Something
GO CRAZY?
DON'T MIND IF I DO!!
I drew this today to celebrate my freedom from a week of near-constant working. If you don't know who it is you're probably better off not knowing.
You win, Internet.
You win.
DON'T MIND IF I DO!!
I drew this today to celebrate my freedom from a week of near-constant working. If you don't know who it is you're probably better off not knowing.
You win, Internet.
You win.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Spring Steak
Hold on to your hard hats, readers, it's Spring Break!
A vacation from school that was specifically engineered not to really appeal to me that much. It's a week in which I'm encouraged, nay expected, to find the place with the most people who have the least clothes on near water and maintain a continually dangerous blood alcohol level without dying (although if you die I think you win some prize).
Which is cool if you're into that, don't get me wrong. Just not my gig.
In any case, it has everyone quite excited. Now I don't like breaks from school normally because I have to work all the time.
But this particular vacation is special because my dad is going to Greece to visit family. Which is good, he super deserves a break. But this means that I will be filling in for him at work, essentially running two restaurants. I have done this twice in the past and it is not an enjoyable experience. I have to spend a lot more time there, have a lot more responsibility, and am in charge of numbers and money which are things I have designed my college degree and career around not having to deal with.
It's nice that my dad trusts me that much, and there will be a couple folks helping out who are probably way more qualified but not blood-related. However, this is not something I am looking forward to, readers.
I don't know who, if anyone will be around, but visits are very much welcomed. I'll be at the bar until 2 or 3AM both Friday and Saturday night so backup would be greatly appreciated even if just for a little bit.
Hope you kids have fun if you're on break, and if I don't make it make sure Jerry doesn't get my iPod. He chose Zune, he'll die with Zune.
A vacation from school that was specifically engineered not to really appeal to me that much. It's a week in which I'm encouraged, nay expected, to find the place with the most people who have the least clothes on near water and maintain a continually dangerous blood alcohol level without dying (although if you die I think you win some prize).
Which is cool if you're into that, don't get me wrong. Just not my gig.
In any case, it has everyone quite excited. Now I don't like breaks from school normally because I have to work all the time.
But this particular vacation is special because my dad is going to Greece to visit family. Which is good, he super deserves a break. But this means that I will be filling in for him at work, essentially running two restaurants. I have done this twice in the past and it is not an enjoyable experience. I have to spend a lot more time there, have a lot more responsibility, and am in charge of numbers and money which are things I have designed my college degree and career around not having to deal with.
It's nice that my dad trusts me that much, and there will be a couple folks helping out who are probably way more qualified but not blood-related. However, this is not something I am looking forward to, readers.
I don't know who, if anyone will be around, but visits are very much welcomed. I'll be at the bar until 2 or 3AM both Friday and Saturday night so backup would be greatly appreciated even if just for a little bit.
Hope you kids have fun if you're on break, and if I don't make it make sure Jerry doesn't get my iPod. He chose Zune, he'll die with Zune.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Dairy Disaster (A True Story)
It was a day like any other.
I ambled into the supermarket, eyes bright and shining, ready for the plentiful bounty that awaited me. Basket held in hands that shook with anticipation, I licked my lips with insatiable hunger and went forth into the aisles, snatching up sumptuous food items left and right. My basket became a veritable cornucopia as I grasped endlessly at exotic delights to fill my week with flavor.
And then I came to the dairy section, where the fruits of bovine excellence were stacked left to right, as far as the eye could see, if you were standing really close. My mouth watered as I thought about the cool, rich sensation of milk, that lactic ambrosia filled with calcium for strong bones.
I went to grab my usual box, nodding to myself with confidence, dreaming of dipped cookies and crisp cereal.
And then my eyes widened with fear. Tender beads of sweat began to make their way down my brow, and my lower lip trembled like a harp string at the lightest touch. I stood transfixed, attempting to make sense of a suddenly wayward universe.
I had completely forgotten what brand of milk I buy.
I ambled into the supermarket, eyes bright and shining, ready for the plentiful bounty that awaited me. Basket held in hands that shook with anticipation, I licked my lips with insatiable hunger and went forth into the aisles, snatching up sumptuous food items left and right. My basket became a veritable cornucopia as I grasped endlessly at exotic delights to fill my week with flavor.
And then I came to the dairy section, where the fruits of bovine excellence were stacked left to right, as far as the eye could see, if you were standing really close. My mouth watered as I thought about the cool, rich sensation of milk, that lactic ambrosia filled with calcium for strong bones.
I went to grab my usual box, nodding to myself with confidence, dreaming of dipped cookies and crisp cereal.
And then my eyes widened with fear. Tender beads of sweat began to make their way down my brow, and my lower lip trembled like a harp string at the lightest touch. I stood transfixed, attempting to make sense of a suddenly wayward universe.
I had completely forgotten what brand of milk I buy.
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