UNLOCK THE SLIME

Okay, so I was flipping channels and I came to the end of the Kid's Choice Awards on Nickelodeon.

They had all these really cool tribal dancers, fire dancers, some dudes fighting with staffs, and at the end Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson comes out. He takes off his tribal trappings and begins to discuss how he's looking for slime, and is going to attempt to summon it with an ancient ritual.

Now here is a veritable god of a man standing on stage talking about how much he needs some slime, and for the life of me I cannot help but feel like I'm watching some bizarre gay tribal porn. In any case, he summons the slime gods, the people who he says will "unlock the slime key,"

and out walk the Jonas Brothers.

Now if you've seen the JB-themed (double meaning!) South Park from a couple of weeks ago, you know what happened to the crowd.

Is there a non-sleazy way for me to say this? They're standing on stage, Dwayne is telling them they're going to unlock the slime, and girls entering pubescence are screaming and climbing over each other.

Someone had to know what they were writing.

Anyway the Jonas brothers sing a few notes and slime gushes from the ground, covering all the children and the stage as Dwayne yells gutterally.

Now it is entirely possible that my mind is a cesspool of indominable filth and Chris Hansen is waiting for me in the other room.

But I mean. I don't think that someone was deliberately making it sexual, but seriously, that shit was creepy.

Or I'm secretly a slimeophile. Either or.